When I was in the hospital, when the time had passed and it finally occurred to me just what I had lost, That was when the rage theatened to consume me.
Gone, it was all gone. Everything that had made up what I considered the best part of me, everything that was my reason for living, was just gone. I remained, seemingly only to bear witness to the fact that I was gone.
Betrayed! I was betrayed by life and fate. I was berthed and burdened by fate. I became my rage and I became my betrayal. The hatred blackened my heart until I could feel it no more. And then I reached a point where I had absolutely no capacity for any more hatred.
My hatred had burned white hot as it concentrated within me. My whole universe of anger focused to a point so intense that it exploded out from my very core. It washed over me and it flooded my hospital room. It knocked everything off the tables and buried them against the wall. Then it burned the paint off the wall and exploded out the window. I was left laying still and empty and weak in my bed.
As suddenly as it exploded, it was gone. Empty, bereft, and alone, I lay there, and I surrendered. I could not take it anymore. I had no more capacity for hatred. It was like my great lungs of hatred were emptied and I drew in a deep sweet breath of grace.
If forgave myself, then I could forgive fate, and then I could forgive everyone. What else could I do?
In surrender, I had found Epic Grace.
Forever?
ReplyDeleteI wish it were so. For me it comes in waves. Acceptance, peace, humility, and appreciation suddenly interrupted by nightmares. Waking, I remember the way it was before and I want to lash out at something or someone. How, I ask myself, could I have worked so hard and done what was right, only to be left with a handful of memories.
I want a lasting peace. I want to let go. I don't know what to do.