One
of the most difficult things about brain injury for me was the helplessness. I
was not used to being taken care of. I was used to being independent and strong
and letting others lean on me. After my accident it was always a constant
battle, striving to recover and yet yielding to assistance when necessary. It
was a balancing act and it was one I wasn’t very good at.
Facilitating a support group gave me
a whole new perspective. It allowed me to view my situation through the eyes of
others. Listening to caregivers and victims sharing their feelings I was able
to be on the outside looking in. For the first time I was able to imagine how
my wife must feel and I was able to hear how I must sound to her. This new
knowledge is one of the rewards that I have found in being a facilitator. My
only regret is that it took me ten years to figure this out.
A brain
injury is tough and it is overwhelming, one of the first things I was faced
with was that many of the things that brought me joy were now beyond my reach.
It was often easy to feel like there was nothing left to live for. I saw all my
dreams shattered. I felt I had been cheated and I had lived my life to completion.
As I often do in dark moments of despair I turned to “Illusions” by Richard
Bach, my favorite book I paged through it looking for an answer and this is
what I found:
Here is a test
to see if your mission in life is over,
if you’re
alive
it isn’t.
I’m just one person, but with over twnty years post TBI, I keep
finding reasons to be here. Open your heart and touch a life, there is never a
shortage of those who need someone to lend an ear.
At times I honestly felt there was nothing left to
live for, but in saying so I was telling others that they are not worth living
for. I can now imagine how that must have hurt. They were helping me because
they loved me, not because they pitied me, which is the way I felt. I decided I
must never esteem the love of others too lightly!
I had
always been the strong one. The one all others could lean on and draw from my
seemingly inexhaustible reservoir of strength. Now it was time to accept that I
had to be taken care of, and that I must yield the care giving responsibilities
to others, especially those I had previously taken care of. The shoe was on the
other foot! So, as much as I may not have liked this new arrangement, all the
wishing in the world wouldn’t make it otherwise. I had to face reality.
This didn’t mean I would stop
trying. If anything, the way I feel should motivate me to do whatever is
required to expedite my recovery. Until then I can accept help. All false
independence does is make everyone miserable. The least I can do is be
thankful, humble, and cherish the love I receive from others.
This is how I have decided to view
my world. This should make my path a little easier to traverse and I know it
will make the lives of my caregivers more rewarding. We live for them as they
live for us.
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