My New Superpowers

I have acquired some new superpowers. Like most superpowers, I acquired them as a result of a mishap. In my case, it was not exposure to radiation and or a chemical spill, it was not even X-rays from space or exposure to a meteorite; it was the result of being hit by a semi-truck.

 As is typical, it took a while for me to discover and learn to use my superpowers. Just like in the comics I did not welcome my new superpowers at first. Just like in the comics I hid them and was ashamed of them. I did not want to admit that I was "different."

 My first superpower is that of "Radical Acceptance" or as I call it "Epic Grace." It started when I first accepted my injury, fault became immaterial because it didn't change anything. Once I forgave myself I could forgive the world. Once I forgave the world I could forgive anyone and anything.

My second superpower is "Unique Perspective." I have died and yet I live. Nothing really seems like a big deal anymore. I have lost everything, anything I have now is a bonus, each day is extra, tacked on beyond what I would have had. I no longer fear death.

My third superpower is "Indomitable Will." After my brain injury everything became very difficult. There was no easy way to do something. If everything is hard then it doesn't matter what I try, anything can be done. If I can learn to walk, I can run a marathon. If I can learn to talk, I can learn a new language. It is all the same.

So with this trio of Superpowers I make my way through the day. It not only makes my life easier, it makes life easier for all those around me. These superpowers are special too, as they can only be used for good; no matter what my intent, the result is always positive.

Why I Don't like Motivational Speakers

I really don't like motivational speakers because, when I see one of them dancing about the lectern and spouting trite adages with a silly grin, I hear one of two things, and these are really the only two messages they can possibly give me; one is that they obviously have no idea what I've been through or they wouldn't be up there smiling and dancing in mockery of me, or two, the alternative, which is that they do know what I'm going through, they have had it even tougher than I have, and look at how much better they are than me, as they have beat their demon and I am being consumed by mine.

I have learned that when I tell someone my story or even discuss a small part of it, if they tell me something vapid and pithy like, "Life is like a box of chocolates..." I just roll my eyes and shake my head. They obviously have no idea. Once again I feel alone and misunderstood. That is mere sympathy and it is very condescending. Not unlike when someone says, "I must have a brain injury too, I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached." I don't hold it against them, they're just trying to say something nice. If however, I share something and they shake their head and say something like, "Wow, that's nasty!" I feel much better for having shared, because they obviously have heard me and appreciate what I'm going through.

I also don't mean to say that what the motivational speakers are saying is nonsense, far from it! Only that it doesn't help for someone else to tell me to be strong, because that message needs to come from within.

This is my motivational message: Recovering from brain injury is tough, it is often without reward, and frequently you are alone and unappreciated. When I hear THAT acknowledgement from someone else, I feel better. That renews my strength to carry on.

Fairness

The other day I was talking to the HR rep at work as we were once again trying to find a place, a role, a job that I could perform successfully. Some jobs were discussed that I could perform, but they were held by other people and so they were not available. She explained to me that it would not be fair to those people to take their job and give it to me. I nodded, I knew she was right, I understood that we must be fair; but inside I was seething, because there was no attention given to fairness when I was hurt, but now I have to be fair. Fairness had become the end of my rainbow, always out of reach. When I got home I wrote this:

Fairness

They didn't save my life, they made me not dead. I am alive, but I have lost my life. I am still me, but everything that I was is gone. I may look like I have lost nothing, but how I look is not how I feel.

I have lost my dearest competencies. I have lost my most cherished abilities. I have lost my certainty and with it my confidence. I have only the most tenuous grasp of reality; the reality I have does not seem to be the reality shared by others.

And you presume to lecture me on fairness. Oh please, really? You are going to tell me that what I'm asking for is not fair? Do you really want to go there? When did fairness crop into this situation? When I came to in the hospital and I could not speak, walk, or remember anything, there was no fairness. When I struggled for days, which became weeks, which became months, which became years, there was no fairness. When I fought to put any kind of meaning in my life, a life where friends slipped away, where job opportunities slipped away, where possibility burned off like the morning fog, there was no fairness.

To me, fairness is a luxury so rare and fleeting its occurrence is mere coincidence. Fairness is a naive childish notion, like unicorns and leprechauns, a trite conjuration of innocence to be properly discarded with adulthood. Maybe fairness has weight and meaning for you, but it has none for me.

Free Kindle e-reader for PC

If you don't have a Kindle, here is the url for the free kindle e-reader. I know a lot of people don't like the though of reading whole books on computer, but since mine is a collection of essays to be read on occasion, this actually is a pretty good alternative.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000426311

New Book!

Here is the link for my new e-book with almost 50 new essays!

 http://www.amazon.com/Expanded-Consciousness-Meditations-Injury-ebook/dp/B007NMO9QE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1332529591&sr=8-1

Routine Reality

Routine is a constant reference as to when and where I am. With brain injury one realizes just how fragile our awareness of place and time really is. I can be at the mall with my wife and be looking at something while she walks away. I will look up and suddenly nothing is as I suspected and I will feel this sudden panic as I try to reorient myself, try to find some clue that will tell me where I am and when I am. Not just what time it is, or just what day it is, but what year is it? How old am I? A split second of panic until I regain my perspective.

Routine allows me to compensate for my lack of initiative. I may not notice that the house needs vacuuming, but I know that on Mondays I vacuum. It is good to make lists for many things, but inserting something into my routine allows me to do a number of tasks that would overwhelm me if I saw them all on a list. Routine allows me to be a more effective person.

Most people view routine as boring. “Boring as compared to what?” I ask. “Boring as compared to being confused and inactive?” I query. Variety is very important. Many people are distracted from accomplishing long-term goals because they want immediate variety. I get my variety long-term because routine keeps the distractions at bay. Day by day my routine may seem boring, but I’ve accomplished so very much in the last eleven years since my brain injury! These are things I would never have even considered doing before. In addition to doing all the tasks you might imagine in an ordinary life (I prefer “ordinary” to “normal”) I also run five miles several times a week, I read seventy pages a day, I ran for Lt. Governor in 1994 and 1998, I expect to get the Libertarian party’s nomination for Governor in 2002, I facilitate the Stillwater support group, I speak four languages besides English, and my writing has appeared in a few Libertarian publications as well as in the brain injury newsletter, I designed and built a teaching aid to show the effects of time distortion at relative speeds, I protested the stadium tax increase, and more.

I don’t list all that to brag. I’m certainly no genius and I sure don’t have limitless energy. It just really amazes me how much a person can do if you just put it into a routine and doggedly persist. I don’t question whether or not I want to do something on a daily basis, I just get up and do it. I face each day with child like wonder and boundless curiosity. Oh yes, and as always, I hone my will on adversity.

Real Healing

            A reporter asked me recently, “How long did your recovery take?” My stock reply was that you never fully recover from brain injury, that most people see the lion’s share of recovery within the first two years. All of that is factual, but none of it is correct.

            It is like asking, “How long does it take to grow up?” Growing up is a process that never really ends. One does tend to develop in different ways as one gets older and at some point we consider ourselves “grown up.” However, you never really stop growing.

            The same is true for brain injury. There can be discrete measurable gains after brain injury that can be described as recovery, but beyond that there is the intangible of personal growth.

            Part of this personal growth I like to label healing. Healing is the act of reconstructing ourselves after the “loss of self” that is part of brain injury.

The first step is to accept that we have a brain injury. This is more than just acknowledging the fact that it happened. It is accepting the fact that you are not the person you were. Trying to be the person you were is living in the past. When you are truly ready to be who you are you are ready to move on.

The second step is to get over it. It is all too easy to try and hold on to the deficits of brain injury. It becomes so very much a part of who you are, that to move beyond it is like losing yourself all over again. Yes you have deficits, but you are you in spite of your deficits, and THAT is what makes you a better person.

The third step is to find value in the experience. It is restitution for the soul. Restitution is the act of putting right what is wrong. This is the true nature of healing. If you do not see your brain injury as valuable, then your brain injury has accomplished nothing. This is completely your choice. I found that my brain injury knocked me off my high horse and allowed me to become a more compassionate person. Compassion has unlocked riches I would have never received. My world is now larger and encompasses broader horizons than I would have ever imagined. We must all find that which has value to us. This will be different for everyone and is part of this fortune hunt called life that is far too fleet.